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ASK TANGO: THE FUNNY DOG ADVICE COLUMN

Latest Articles Filed Under: Ask Tango

Ask Tango: Cursed By Cuteness

 

Dear Tango,

Is it possible to be cursed with cuteness?  When I’ve been naughty, I think I’m glad I’m cute cuz apparently it keeps me from any discipline at all, but I don’t think it’s worth it.
Everyone yips and squeals over how cute I am.  They get right in my face and they squish and they kiss and I don’t even know them.
Even if I grrr to tell them to go away, they just giggle n squish more.
I am on the edge, this close to removing a cooing person’s nose.  Please help me!

Signed,

Too Cute For My Own Good

Tango's Response >>

Bouncing and Baffled

 

Dear Tango,

You’re a big dog like me, so I hope you can help!  I’m kinda huge.. and I’m still a baby so I’m getting huger all the time.. but life ain’t getting any easier.  I’m in trouble all the time.. just for being happy and saying Hi at the same time.  I say Hi, people fall down.. or a whole bunch of owowow.. n then I’m in trouble.  I say Hi to dogs, they run away or go splat or get mads at me.  Just for Hi.  How’s a dog supposed to make any friends if they all fall down, or go grrr or run away? 

Signed,

Bouncing and Baffled

Tango's Response >>

Ask Tango: Toenail Terror

 

Dear Tango,

I may just be a puppy but I’m pretty sure my people have lost their minds.
My Mom came at me the other day with some cutting contraption, muttering something about a pedicure.  Next thing I know, she is grabbing my feet like a vice grip; she seemed all nervous and shakey and I was sure she was going to sever my toes!  So, I herked and jerked and kicked and pulled but did she stop?  No!  She brought in reinforcements and then I had two of them pinning me and squishing me and telling me NO! And to stop!  Me stop??  You stop!  I don’t think they knew what they were doing because out came a different device.  Oh ya, much better, it looked like a frickin’ toe guillotine!   I watched Braveheart while they were at work so I know all about those things.  What the?  I thought they loved me!  But I started screaming like I was stuck in a leg hold trap, ‘til they were so frazzled, they gave up. 
Then they were all nicey nice again but I saw where they put the toe hatchets, so if I ever see them near that drawer again, I’m outa here!
How can I be sure they won’t sneak up on me when I’m asleep though?  Please help!

Signed,  Toenail Terrorized

Tango's Response >>

Ask Tango: Cleptopup

Dear Tango, 

I get in in troubles a lot.  It’s ‘cuz of a game I like to play where people put things down and as soon as they’re not looking, I tiptoe tiptoe, take and run!  Sometimes no one notices, at least not until later, when they try to pick up whatever they had put down and realize it isn’t there.  It’s always funny for a few minutes, watching them try to remember where they put their stuff.  I’ve learned to giggle from a safe place though, ‘cuz when they realize it was me, yep.. troubles!
Sometimes in my heist haste, I make a little noise and get caught red-pawed.. you guessed it.. big troubles!
Please let my people know that if they leave things lying about, they should accept defeat more graciously when they disappear.  I should get applause, not troubles!
Thanks for your help.

Signed,

Cleptopup

Tango's Response >>

Ask Tango Door Crasher

 

Dear Tango,

When I see a door or stairs or car door, or any kind of passage to anywhere, I just gotta bolt through it, up it, down it or whatever the case may be.  Half the time I have no idea what’s on the other side but on the off chance that it might be awesome, I’ve got to get there first!  Occasionally, a person may get trampled in my efforts, which seems to really annoy my peeps.  Could you please tell them that if it upsets them so, they should stay out of my way?  Thanks!

Signed,  Determined Door Crasher

Tango's Response >>

Ask Tango Car Wreck

 

Dear Tango,

I hate the car.  I hate it so much it makes me sick!  I drool, I barf, the works.  I try to tell my people I don’t want to go in it; I run and hide at the first sign that I might have to, but they don’t listen.  They just half lift, half drag me all the way in. and in no time flat (always after a few awkward escape attempts) I am freaked out, panting, frothing, and hurling.  My people are telling me it’s ok... liars!  I am freaked out and barfing; it is not ok!

Please help.  Tell them not to put me in that thing anymore!

Signed,   Car Wreck

Tango's Response >>

Ask Tango Misunderstood Peacekeeper

 

Dear Tango,

I don’t like it when other dogs behave badly.  I don’t like roughhousing, I don’t like bullying, I double don’t like dogs being aggressive!  I don’t even like other dogs playing when I’m not in the mood.. so, to me, behaving badly pretty much means doing anything I don’t think they should do.  So, I go and tell ‘em to stop.  I mean, someone’s got to keep them in line, right?  So how come I get in trouble for it?
Some lady at the dog park told my Mom I was being aggressive and now she won’t take us there anymore. 
Please help!

Signed,       Busted For Trying To Help

Tango's Response >>

Ask Tango piddle problems

Dear Tango,

Ever get so excited or nervous, you just pee?  Happens to me all the time.. Like ALL the time.  Sometimes little dribbles, sometimes big lakes but it never fails, if nerves happen, pee happens.  Greet someone, pee.  Get scolded, pee.  Get scolded for peeing, pee more.  I can’t help it.  I don’t want to do it and sometimes I don’t even know I’ve done it.  Don’t know what to do about it.  Please help!

Signed, Leaky Me

Tango's Response >>

Ask Tango City Slicker

Dear Tango,

My people and I moved from the city to the country not long ago.  We’re moving to a farm, they said, it’s dog Heaven, they said. They’re some fun stuff about it, but some real downers too.  In the city, my people took me for walks and we went to the park together and we played together.  Now, they put me outside by myself and tell me to go play.   That isn’t my idea of Heaven.  I want to be with my people and to play with other dog friends!  But I try to oblige and I go and find things to do, then I wind up in trouble for it.  Like I am supposed to know that chasing chickens is bad or that herding the neighbours’ cows is a no no.  And why do they lock me outside when I’ve rolled in stuff I’ve found?  They told me to go and enjoy the farm.. so I did.  I’m confused by this Heaven and don’t understand why my people don’t want to do stuff with me now.
Please help.

Signed,   City Slicker

Tango's Response >>

Ask Tango Barking Mad

 

Dear Tango,
I am a bit confused.  Sometimes when people come to the door, my Dad is like, “Who’s there? Who’s there?”, so he wants me to go bark to protect the house.  Then other times, someone is at the door and he tells me "No" or yells at me to be quiet.  I know he likes it when I do bark because sometimes he tells me to, so I assume the yelling is his way of joining me in guarding the house.  You see where I'm going with this, the more he yells, the more I bark.. which makes perfect sense if you’re me at the time!  But it seems to make him really mad.  It’s all a bit nuts.  Can you help?

Signed,       Confused Cuz Someone’s Barking Mad (and I don't think it's me!)

Tango's Response >>

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Ask Tango: Cursed By Cuteness

 

Dear Tango,

Is it possible to be cursed with cuteness?  When I’ve been naughty, I think I’m glad I’m cute cuz apparently it keeps me from any discipline at all, but I don’t think it’s worth it.
Everyone yips and squeals over how cute I am.  They get right in my face and they squish and they kiss and I don’t even know them.
Even if I grrr to tell them to go away, they just giggle n squish more.
I am on the edge, this close to removing a cooing person’s nose.  Please help me!

Signed,

Too Cute For My Own Good

Read More >>

Bouncing and Baffled

 

Dear Tango,

You’re a big dog like me, so I hope you can help!  I’m kinda huge.. and I’m still a baby so I’m getting huger all the time.. but life ain’t getting any easier.  I’m in trouble all the time.. just for being happy and saying Hi at the same time.  I say Hi, people fall down.. or a whole bunch of owowow.. n then I’m in trouble.  I say Hi to dogs, they run away or go splat or get mads at me.  Just for Hi.  How’s a dog supposed to make any friends if they all fall down, or go grrr or run away? 

Signed,

Bouncing and Baffled

Read More >>

Ask Tango: Toenail Terror

 

Dear Tango,

I may just be a puppy but I’m pretty sure my people have lost their minds.
My Mom came at me the other day with some cutting contraption, muttering something about a pedicure.  Next thing I know, she is grabbing my feet like a vice grip; she seemed all nervous and shakey and I was sure she was going to sever my toes!  So, I herked and jerked and kicked and pulled but did she stop?  No!  She brought in reinforcements and then I had two of them pinning me and squishing me and telling me NO! And to stop!  Me stop??  You stop!  I don’t think they knew what they were doing because out came a different device.  Oh ya, much better, it looked like a frickin’ toe guillotine!   I watched Braveheart while they were at work so I know all about those things.  What the?  I thought they loved me!  But I started screaming like I was stuck in a leg hold trap, ‘til they were so frazzled, they gave up. 
Then they were all nicey nice again but I saw where they put the toe hatchets, so if I ever see them near that drawer again, I’m outa here!
How can I be sure they won’t sneak up on me when I’m asleep though?  Please help!

Signed,  Toenail Terrorized

Read More >>

Ask Tango: Cleptopup

Dear Tango, 

I get in in troubles a lot.  It’s ‘cuz of a game I like to play where people put things down and as soon as they’re not looking, I tiptoe tiptoe, take and run!  Sometimes no one notices, at least not until later, when they try to pick up whatever they had put down and realize it isn’t there.  It’s always funny for a few minutes, watching them try to remember where they put their stuff.  I’ve learned to giggle from a safe place though, ‘cuz when they realize it was me, yep.. troubles!
Sometimes in my heist haste, I make a little noise and get caught red-pawed.. you guessed it.. big troubles!
Please let my people know that if they leave things lying about, they should accept defeat more graciously when they disappear.  I should get applause, not troubles!
Thanks for your help.

Signed,

Cleptopup

Read More >>

Ask Tango Door Crasher

 

Dear Tango,

When I see a door or stairs or car door, or any kind of passage to anywhere, I just gotta bolt through it, up it, down it or whatever the case may be.  Half the time I have no idea what’s on the other side but on the off chance that it might be awesome, I’ve got to get there first!  Occasionally, a person may get trampled in my efforts, which seems to really annoy my peeps.  Could you please tell them that if it upsets them so, they should stay out of my way?  Thanks!

Signed,  Determined Door Crasher

Read More >>

Ask Tango Car Wreck

 

Dear Tango,

I hate the car.  I hate it so much it makes me sick!  I drool, I barf, the works.  I try to tell my people I don’t want to go in it; I run and hide at the first sign that I might have to, but they don’t listen.  They just half lift, half drag me all the way in. and in no time flat (always after a few awkward escape attempts) I am freaked out, panting, frothing, and hurling.  My people are telling me it’s ok... liars!  I am freaked out and barfing; it is not ok!

Please help.  Tell them not to put me in that thing anymore!

Signed,   Car Wreck

Read More >>

Ask Tango Misunderstood Peacekeeper

 

Dear Tango,

I don’t like it when other dogs behave badly.  I don’t like roughhousing, I don’t like bullying, I double don’t like dogs being aggressive!  I don’t even like other dogs playing when I’m not in the mood.. so, to me, behaving badly pretty much means doing anything I don’t think they should do.  So, I go and tell ‘em to stop.  I mean, someone’s got to keep them in line, right?  So how come I get in trouble for it?
Some lady at the dog park told my Mom I was being aggressive and now she won’t take us there anymore. 
Please help!

Signed,       Busted For Trying To Help

Read More >>

Ask Tango piddle problems

Dear Tango,

Ever get so excited or nervous, you just pee?  Happens to me all the time.. Like ALL the time.  Sometimes little dribbles, sometimes big lakes but it never fails, if nerves happen, pee happens.  Greet someone, pee.  Get scolded, pee.  Get scolded for peeing, pee more.  I can’t help it.  I don’t want to do it and sometimes I don’t even know I’ve done it.  Don’t know what to do about it.  Please help!

Signed, Leaky Me

Read More >>

Ask Tango City Slicker

Dear Tango,

My people and I moved from the city to the country not long ago.  We’re moving to a farm, they said, it’s dog Heaven, they said. They’re some fun stuff about it, but some real downers too.  In the city, my people took me for walks and we went to the park together and we played together.  Now, they put me outside by myself and tell me to go play.   That isn’t my idea of Heaven.  I want to be with my people and to play with other dog friends!  But I try to oblige and I go and find things to do, then I wind up in trouble for it.  Like I am supposed to know that chasing chickens is bad or that herding the neighbours’ cows is a no no.  And why do they lock me outside when I’ve rolled in stuff I’ve found?  They told me to go and enjoy the farm.. so I did.  I’m confused by this Heaven and don’t understand why my people don’t want to do stuff with me now.
Please help.

Signed,   City Slicker

Read More >>

Ask Tango Barking Mad

 

Dear Tango,
I am a bit confused.  Sometimes when people come to the door, my Dad is like, “Who’s there? Who’s there?”, so he wants me to go bark to protect the house.  Then other times, someone is at the door and he tells me "No" or yells at me to be quiet.  I know he likes it when I do bark because sometimes he tells me to, so I assume the yelling is his way of joining me in guarding the house.  You see where I'm going with this, the more he yells, the more I bark.. which makes perfect sense if you’re me at the time!  But it seems to make him really mad.  It’s all a bit nuts.  Can you help?

Signed,       Confused Cuz Someone’s Barking Mad (and I don't think it's me!)

Read More >>

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